Jennaishealed.org

Man I am in so much frickin pain, mostly physical, but also psychological.  Many people have told me to go to the hospital, and other than the financial issues with that, I just seem to resist out of sheer… laziness?  Inertia, maybe.  I hate hospitals, and I already got a $8,000 bill for the last time I went for an out-of-control manic episode last fall.  There is a county hospital here in Birmingham that I could go to but still I resist. 

 This morning I managed to work on the falling-down garage for about two hours before I had to stop due to the pain in my leg.  I was half the time sobbing while I was working because I kept seeing Cooper’s old tricycle sitting there, and that reminded me of so much that has gone “wrong” with this whole situation.  I put “wrong” in quotes because there was really nothing else that could be done, I know that I made the right decisions in keeping Cooper away from his mom during her own uncontrolled manic anger stage.  In the process I have missed out on so much of his life myself.  The tricycle has barely been used, which just reminds me how much Cooper has been gone. 

I suppose I am a “wuss” for crying so much.   The good news continues to be that Jenna is doing well on the Ritalin.  I tend to upset her on the phone which I know I should not do, but in my own personal hell here in ‘bama I have few others to talk to.  My policy on Jenna has been never to shield her from things, which I know at some level is the wrong policy.  But in my heart of hearts I want to treat her as “normal” as much as possible, which means being honest with her and not sheilding her from things that could upset her.  I know when I am doing it that I SHOULDN’T be doing it, but I just can’t stop myself sometimes. 

 The other thing that is positive is that Cooper is doing well, also.  I try to talk to him as much as possible over the phone.  He loves to have me read him stories over the phone.

I was in Wallyworld the other week and was looking at the childrens’ books to see what is on the market (I am writing stories for Cooper, and wanted to see what if anything I might eventually market), and I found this really cute book called “Amelia Asks for a Pet”.  Anyway, I read it to Cooper over the phone the other night and it soon became a regular thing to read him that book, two others he left here last time he was here, and one story I wrote him myself.  I am working on another one right now about a family of bees, which is why I am at this library computer ( I have again lost internet access at the house again), to do a little research.

 Well, my back is killing me and I need to go get horizontal.  More later when I can get back over here….

for his very generous contribution to the Jenna fund! I should have made note of all the other contributions from other people here but I was keeping track of those on the www.bmw2002faq.com off-topic board…

I have Jenna on the phone right now, and she is doing well. She is talking to a rehabilitation counsellor in an informal chat outside as she has her cigarette. I am having her check her own rehab “session” appointments and take responsibility for her own scheldule, to try to get that 50% attendance record up, WAY up. She has also given me a shopping list of some stuff she wants me to get her, just some bath items, and with Casey’s gift, I can! Thanks again, man!

Jenna just told me that she is very proud of me (awwww!!) and is glad I am sticking around.  Me, too, Jenna (the sticking around part).   She also says things like she is glad that the accident happened, that she prayed for something like this to happen, to “knock her the f*** out.”  There is a kind of innocence there (of what she has truly lost) but also a rememberance of the way her bipolar condition used to plague her moods and cause her so much angst and pain before the accident.  The difference is that before the accident the bipolar stuff was largely hidden, controlled.  Now it explodes onto the surface at the drop of a hat, although that too is also much improved now that she is on all the medications she is on now (zyprexa, elavil, lithium, ritalin, and Im probably leaving some out).  The brain injury combined with the bipolar is truly a double-damned situation and I am so grateful we finally found the meds to control it.  Now we just need to get her better and truly get her her life back, as much as is possible anyway…

Her speech issue seems to come and go. Sometimes she speaks much more rapidly and dynamically than “normal”, sometimes it is that slow, deliberate pattern. Maybe I am imagining the whole thing… In any case, I had two telephone meetings with her case manager and we are working out what the expectations are for when she comes home.

Coming home has been an issue already, since I still suffer the PTSD-like symptoms I have talked about before (I think). The other day I was really having a hard time, crying and just very depressed. The issues we face together are whether to stay together, whether I can take care of her at all and still remain functional myself, etc.

When I dropped her off in Indiana this past summer I was a freaking wreck. In a lot of ways I still am. I had high hopes for the therapy to totally remake Jenna’s ability to handle frustration, but so far it hasn’t worked. She still gets very loud very fast, although with her medications she calms down a lot faster than she did when we were in California in the first half of ‘07.

More later…