Jennaishealed.org

Leaving tomorrow morning to visit Jenna in Carbondale for two days; the hospital is putting me up for two nights somehow.  Going to check her out like a library book on Friday and take her back Sunday, then go on to Indy to be with Cooper.  Spent today tying up some loose ends, and still have a couple of little things to do to the heckhouse before I leave.  Right now im sitting outside a public library wifi hotspot sweating missiles.  Man I am not going to miss this heat.  Its relatively dry heat at least.  AHA! Note the *relatively* he used….  Its been even more humid and hot than it is today, but not by much.  I guess when you are actually covered in sweat it is hard to tell how humid it actually is outside.  Anyways, if this is the last anyone hears from me, you know I burned up leaving the state line….  I might update this as I go since I have a power adapter for the car now, and wifi spots seem to be popping up here and there.  We’ll see how it goes.

Ok, well its technically on tuesday, but her family went to see her yesterday and I am going (finally) to go see her tomorrow or tuesday.  I am feeling much, much better, and have to kind of shake my head at what ive posted recently.  Im sitting outside a public library hotspot in sweltering abalama heat so I dont want to go into it too much now, but Jenna (according to reports) is doing really well.  They moved her into an all-female side of the building she is in, called the Townhouse, and she seems to be doing really well on the ritalin.  Cooper had a good time and everybody enjoyed him being there.  Not much else to report at this point, I gotta get out of this heat, get to Home Deep-oh and get another set of keys made for the house and some other last minute items.  I think finally being ready to get out of here is helping my mood a lot, and my sciatic leg is feeling better too, which helps in more ways than one.  Anyways, more later!

grrr! (slaps self!)

so ive been calling her on the “participant line” which is a common line that the patients get to take calls on. The guy who answered the phone was obviously a patient, and I could barely understand what he was saying. I worry over Jenna’s slow speech patterns but this person’s speech was so mangled I had to ask him to repeat himself a few times. He seemed like a really nice person, and it just devastated me to think how brain injuries really mess people up. After I got off the phone with Jenna I just lay there weeping over how badly this unknown-to-me person must have been injured. Its like just under the surface I am ready to start crying over almost anything. There was a mention of a girl in california who had a similar accident to Jenna in the paper out there (someone on the FAQ sent me the link) and my heart just goes out to all the families out there, and of course the injured person themselves. But the person who answered the phone last night and the girl in the newspaper, and even Jenna now that she is on her bipolar medication, they all seem very positive and I dont think understand how devastated their lives truly are. Jenna in particular tells me how thankful she is that the accident even happened, and I just sit there blown away by how she can believe that. She tells me this, I think, in light of how her un-treated bipolar condition affected her quality of life before the accident, and I can only wish that she had been on the bipolar medication she’s on now, then.  I hate to be so negative, I should just be happy that Jenna is happy, and I am, but it still knocks the wind out of me how much she has lost.  Its like the gift that keeps on giving, in reverse.  I am definitely being too negative, I just can’t seem to help it.  Jenna is happy and is being taken care of and is very proud of Cooper and is happy that I am still in her life (I will never not be), so I should just be grateful for all that, grateful that she is still around at all and grateful that I have the opportunity to mean so much to someone else.  That sounds weird but lots of things do.

I’ve been giving my attempt to “step back” a lot of thought and it just doesn’t seem possible.  Jenna needs my emotional support more than I need to be free of the psychological torture that comes with dealing with all the issues involved.  I think if i did just run away to an island somewhere I would be even more depressed and worthless-feeling than I am already.  Perhaps I just think about things too much, am too sensitive or whatever.  Just this morning I got up before dawn to do some window work outside before the sun hit that side of the house, and I am standing on the ladder listening to the radio, and just weeping and weeping over something that was on the radio.  Even after all this time its always right there just under the surface, and I HATE to constantly complain and whine and weep and etc., I wish I could get past it, accept it and be positive about the future.  But this kind of injury, unlike if Jenna had simply been killed in the accident, it is indeed that gift that keeps on giving (in reverse).  Maybe if she had died I would be the same way, constantly mourning her loss and etc., but … I dont know.  God I hate myself.  I WANT TO GET OVER THIS, get past it, dammit, to the point where I can just get through the day without f*cking CRYING at least once.  Dammit dammit dammit… see why I feel like such a pathetic piece of shit?  I probably just need to be on anti-depressants myself but every time I go to the doctor its another vast sum of money I can’t afford and at the moment have no hope of affording.  One of the first things I am going to do when I get to Indiana is declare bankruptcy to try to get some of my past debts wiped out and try to focus on the future more.  I think when I am around Cooper he will be a good source of positivity and focus…

I know my previous post was weird.  Something is working though, because I am almost DONE with the alabama HELLhouse.  I expect to be out of here FOREVER by monday or so.  Jenna and I still talk several times per day.  She told me today that someone in her old building hung himself somehow, and that hit home for me since I have been suicidal for some time now.  That actually has improved.  The whole stepping back thing was a necessary step so that I can move on and be Cooper’s daddy.  So much has gone on, and I just look forward to moving on.  Like I said before, Jenna has no idea about the change in me.  I still treat her the same, except I am if anything more positive towards her; I just don’t get into the micromanagement of details anymore.  I bought a power inverter for the car so I can run the laptop on the go now, so that is how I am getting online at the moment.  It is amazing how many unsecured ‘nets there are in this neighborhood!  It is now almost 10:30 and it has to be 85+ degrees and 90+% humidity here in HELLabama….  I cant wait to leave here for good!