Gee, I reeeeeeeeeallly need to update more
A continuing theme. I’ve been to see Jenna twice since I last posted I was about to see Jenna, most recently with Cooper and Jenna’s parents.
It was kind of a disappointing visit. Jenna wasn’t in a good mood (possibly related to the monthly thing), and for some reason I was especially emotional when it was time to say goodbye. Part of the problem is that when the whole family goes, we only go for a few hours, and it really bothers me in general that Cooper doesn’t get more time with his mom, and vice versa.
I have been meaning to write about going back to church, and other faith-related issues, but I never get around to actually doing it. I did write about going to church on the 02FAQ website a few weeks ago, so let me copy and paste it here…
I even went to church last week and saw it up close and personal. I felt extremely out of place, but i wanted to be there for Jenna. when everyone started singing and etc., i just put my head in my hands and kept repeating to myself, i’m here for Jenna, and praying, please just help Jenna. well, soon enough I was a ball of snot and tears and mom-in-law snagged a few kleenexes (hello? can i have the box?) from the stage area (we were in second row) and i managed to make it through the service without openly weeping. i had a feeling the pastor was trying to get me to go up to the front because he then kept asking for someone in the audience who he knew had had a “bad week” (hello? four years!) to come up and recieve the spirit, etc. he made two attempts and the same six people went up both times, with some extras on the second go. i sort of knew he was talking about me since i was the only one there with my face in my hands, but i still didnt go up for fear of just losing it completely in front of everyone.
This was in context of someone making fun of a certain politician’s faith, and I was kind of trying to say how powerful the in-church experience can be, even for someone who isn’t a particularly avid church-goer or heavy believer such as myself. I mean, I believe in God as a conscious choice despite a lot of internal cross-fire saying not to. Its hard to describe, and I have a lot of internal conflict and inertia to fight. But ultimately, I believe in God and go to church for Jenna’s sake.
Actually I didn’t go to church today because I felt like if I did go, I’d end up with my face in my hands again the whole time, and nobody wants to have to see that. When I was saying bye to Jenna yesterday, I started doing it again (losing it) and … I don’t know, I just don’t want to do that in front of everybody anymore.
Today was a lot of phone calls from her because they got her decaffeinated tea and anything that is labeled decaf draws her ire. She wants caffeine because it “calms [her] down,” and any attempt to thwart her there gets her going. I emailed her case manager (she has a new one now) about the whole situation, and brought up the Ritalin thing. It seemed like the Ritalin really helped her at first but seems to have lost effectiveness.
More later…