Jenna’s cell phone died…
so ive been calling her on the “participant line” which is a common line that the patients get to take calls on. The guy who answered the phone was obviously a patient, and I could barely understand what he was saying. I worry over Jenna’s slow speech patterns but this person’s speech was so mangled I had to ask him to repeat himself a few times. He seemed like a really nice person, and it just devastated me to think how brain injuries really mess people up. After I got off the phone with Jenna I just lay there weeping over how badly this unknown-to-me person must have been injured. Its like just under the surface I am ready to start crying over almost anything. There was a mention of a girl in california who had a similar accident to Jenna in the paper out there (someone on the FAQ sent me the link) and my heart just goes out to all the families out there, and of course the injured person themselves. But the person who answered the phone last night and the girl in the newspaper, and even Jenna now that she is on her bipolar medication, they all seem very positive and I dont think understand how devastated their lives truly are. Jenna in particular tells me how thankful she is that the accident even happened, and I just sit there blown away by how she can believe that. She tells me this, I think, in light of how her un-treated bipolar condition affected her quality of life before the accident, and I can only wish that she had been on the bipolar medication she’s on now, then. I hate to be so negative, I should just be happy that Jenna is happy, and I am, but it still knocks the wind out of me how much she has lost. Its like the gift that keeps on giving, in reverse. I am definitely being too negative, I just can’t seem to help it. Jenna is happy and is being taken care of and is very proud of Cooper and is happy that I am still in her life (I will never not be), so I should just be grateful for all that, grateful that she is still around at all and grateful that I have the opportunity to mean so much to someone else. That sounds weird but lots of things do.
I’ve been giving my attempt to “step back” a lot of thought and it just doesn’t seem possible. Jenna needs my emotional support more than I need to be free of the psychological torture that comes with dealing with all the issues involved. I think if i did just run away to an island somewhere I would be even more depressed and worthless-feeling than I am already. Perhaps I just think about things too much, am too sensitive or whatever. Just this morning I got up before dawn to do some window work outside before the sun hit that side of the house, and I am standing on the ladder listening to the radio, and just weeping and weeping over something that was on the radio. Even after all this time its always right there just under the surface, and I HATE to constantly complain and whine and weep and etc., I wish I could get past it, accept it and be positive about the future. But this kind of injury, unlike if Jenna had simply been killed in the accident, it is indeed that gift that keeps on giving (in reverse). Maybe if she had died I would be the same way, constantly mourning her loss and etc., but … I dont know. God I hate myself. I WANT TO GET OVER THIS, get past it, dammit, to the point where I can just get through the day without f*cking CRYING at least once. Dammit dammit dammit… see why I feel like such a pathetic piece of shit? I probably just need to be on anti-depressants myself but every time I go to the doctor its another vast sum of money I can’t afford and at the moment have no hope of affording. One of the first things I am going to do when I get to Indiana is declare bankruptcy to try to get some of my past debts wiped out and try to focus on the future more. I think when I am around Cooper he will be a good source of positivity and focus…