Life in HELL(abama)
Man I am in so much frickin pain, mostly physical, but also psychological. Many people have told me to go to the hospital, and other than the financial issues with that, I just seem to resist out of sheer… laziness? Inertia, maybe. I hate hospitals, and I already got a $8,000 bill for the last time I went for an out-of-control manic episode last fall. There is a county hospital here in Birmingham that I could go to but still I resist.
This morning I managed to work on the falling-down garage for about two hours before I had to stop due to the pain in my leg. I was half the time sobbing while I was working because I kept seeing Cooper’s old tricycle sitting there, and that reminded me of so much that has gone “wrong” with this whole situation. I put “wrong” in quotes because there was really nothing else that could be done, I know that I made the right decisions in keeping Cooper away from his mom during her own uncontrolled manic anger stage. In the process I have missed out on so much of his life myself. The tricycle has barely been used, which just reminds me how much Cooper has been gone.
I suppose I am a “wuss” for crying so much. The good news continues to be that Jenna is doing well on the Ritalin. I tend to upset her on the phone which I know I should not do, but in my own personal hell here in ‘bama I have few others to talk to. My policy on Jenna has been never to shield her from things, which I know at some level is the wrong policy. But in my heart of hearts I want to treat her as “normal” as much as possible, which means being honest with her and not sheilding her from things that could upset her. I know when I am doing it that I SHOULDN’T be doing it, but I just can’t stop myself sometimes.
The other thing that is positive is that Cooper is doing well, also. I try to talk to him as much as possible over the phone. He loves to have me read him stories over the phone.
I was in Wallyworld the other week and was looking at the childrens’ books to see what is on the market (I am writing stories for Cooper, and wanted to see what if anything I might eventually market), and I found this really cute book called “Amelia Asks for a Pet”. Anyway, I read it to Cooper over the phone the other night and it soon became a regular thing to read him that book, two others he left here last time he was here, and one story I wrote him myself. I am working on another one right now about a family of bees, which is why I am at this library computer ( I have again lost internet access at the house again), to do a little research.
Well, my back is killing me and I need to go get horizontal. More later when I can get back over here….
Tags: alabama, cooper, jenna, recovery, TBI, traumatic brain injury